Smudged Lines by Kris Butler

Author:Kris Butler
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Kris Butler

Love Letter

Dear Peach,

I hope by now you’re starting to see I’m serious, that I care for you and I’m not trying to pull one over on you. I know my behavior in the past has made you doubt me, and I’m sorry for that. I’ve explained my reasoning for the choices I made. It doesn’t excuse rudeness, and I would’ve been better off just staying out of your life. I mean that in the sense that if I wasn’t in it, I couldn’t hurt you.

But I couldn’t let you go. Even with a broken heart, I wanted to be near your light, even if it hurt. Some days, it hurt so much, I could barely breathe. You were within my reach, and yet the furthest away you’d ever been. I think that’s what led me to Simon.

When I met him the first night, I didn’t make the connection, too consumed by my own grief and heartache to know Fish was standing two feet away from me. I should’ve, the connection and physical reaction almost instant like it had been with you. I was comfortable with my sexuality by that point, but I hadn’t really branched out much, too scared to explore. I didn’t fit into the “gay” stereotype and I couldn’t ever find my place among them.

Once you started working at the shop, and Simon started to drop by every day, the connection finally clicked. I didn’t say anything to him for over a year. And when I did, it was out of drunkenness and heartache.

Simon and I never wrote as often as you and I, but we did share letters and over the years, we both explored our fears and concerns around our evolving sexuality and it was a safe way to discuss things. Neither of us ever told you and for that I’m sorry. It wasn’t meant to be a secret, but once we started down that path, it was easier to keep heading there. Somewhere along the way, I fell in love with him too, I just hadn’t realized it at the time.

The night in question, we both ended up at Rookies, sitting at the bar drinking alone. Not that it makes it okay, but you were on a date with some guy, and despite me telling myself I was over you, that I hated you, it stung. Simon was feeling similarly and we both ended up drunk and commiserating our loneliness together.

Part of me wishes this wasn’t true, but I pursued him in part to punish you. I had him keep it a secret to hurt you. I thought if I hurt you, then you’d look at me the way I deserved to be looked at for that night. I thought you’d be able to slice me open and cut me to my core, allowing me to bleed out my sorrow.

But instead, you smiled at me, you fought with me, and you made me fall in love with you even more. I don’t deserve you, but I will.

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